Here Comes The Boom: PAL….

PAL.

Ugh.

This is my first post about this and I have been feeling very angry and disinterested thus far. If you are not familiar PAL stands for Pregnancy After Loss.

10 weeks 5 days. 2 ultrasounds and a heartbeat of 178 this morning. I made it a point to get the exact tens place number of the heartbeat because with Adam I didn’t hear that last number and it was the last time I got to hear the “bahdum” of his heart. So today I made it a point to listen for that last number. Just in case.

Here it goes…..I’m angry, embarrassed (explain that one to me PALS moms!), guilty, resentful, sad, anxious, and distant. I felt a familiar feeling today when the ultrasound tech (Rhonda, I like her a lot) took the time to show me the baby’s toes, a 3D image of it and let me watch it wiggle around for a moment after showing me where the umbilical cord was. That feeling, though brief, like an echo in the wind, barely audible, and barely lasting long enough for me to detect it– was excitement.

As I walked out of the office this morning the thought came to my mind….I guess this is really gonna happen. And another brief emotion washed over me: dread.

I sound like a mess because I am. I have pretty well figured that anything I feel during this excruciatingly long period of time is justified. All the grief support groups and baby loss moms I have spoken to have felt everything that I am feeling, no matter how crazy the emotion. And if they haven’t, they always say, whatever you are feeling; it’s okay to feel that way. Everyone is different, no one will react the same way. So, do I feel guilty for being disinterested, angry, resentful toward this baby? Hell yes I do. I feel even more guilty for that. But where I am at in my mind right now tells me: I want Adam. I want him and not a “replacement”. (Although I always wanted two of my own, so hopefully in time I will be able to compartmentalize Adam’s pregnancy without including this new baby into that little box and vice versa.) But I will be honest.

This is not exciting. This is not news I want to share with anyone. This is not something I want to go through again. I wish I could take the lady parts out of me and put them in my husband for this one.

I don’t want to grow another baby.

(I know how insensitive this must sound to those mom’s struggling with infertility or who are unable to carry their own children. I’m sorry. Every situation and every struggle brings it’s own feelings and desires/fears. I loveddddd being pregnant with Adam and was so excited about every single thing. I only complained to friends about being pregnant once and ironically it was the day he died, before I found out. I enjoyed the experience of growing him so much. But now, pregnancy is tainted in my mind forever. So I am sorry if I have offended someone who may read this. I am just trying to figure out these mountain/valley emotions I have. I so wish you weren’t struggling in whatever way that you are. My heart and prayers go out to you.)

So, here we go down this very dark and bumpy road. There are beautiful flowers and a nice breeze along the way, but none-the-less, the road itself still kind of sucks.

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4 thoughts on “Here Comes The Boom: PAL….

  1. Gentle congrats mama. I’ll say the trite saying – all of your feelings are justified. They’ll evolve over time, so I wouldn’t analyze them too much. You’re right – PAL is a dark, bumpy road. I think for the first 16ish weeks of my rainbow pregnancy I just pretended I wasn’t pregnant at all, so I get the disinterested bit. And I love your idea about making our husbands be pregnant instead. I wish that could happen. Sending you big hugs and well wishes. xoxo

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  2. I found my way here via Christine’s blog. I’m 15.5 weeks along in my PAL and I totally feel everything you wrote about. I’m having a hard time even admitting that I’m even pregnant. I work two part-time jobs and I only just barely told my boss for one of my jobs on Monday about my pregnancy. I probably would have tried to go longer but I plan to stop working there at 28 weeks because it’s too far from my Dr’s office for my comfort and kind of needed to talk about it because it’s three months away. No one at my other job knows. I really should spill the beans. I’m totally showing. I find myself holding my posture all weird so hopefully no one will notice. But I’d rather do just about anything than talk about this pregnancy. Even my mom was going on today about when my ultrasound is and if it’ll be highly detailed and blah blah blah. I’m an introvert who hates small talk but pregnancy small talk in PAL?!? No no no no no!

    Wishing you all the best.

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    • I am glad you found your way here! Lord knows we need all the PAL Momma support we can get. I also don’t like to admit that I’m pregnant. I haven’t told but two of my friends and our family but definitely not my employer. The thought makes me cringe! So I am with you there. I am finding myself even denying the small bump that is beginning to form. I don’t even want to think about when I won’t be able to hide it any more!
      I hope that this journey is as easy as it can be on you. We can discover all of the unexpected emotions/experiences together on this one, Momma.
      I’m here for you too.

      Like

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