The Battle of Grief

You’re feeling happy today?

“Well, let me fix that”, my mind must say.

“Bring it to her attention,

the anger-Don’t forget to mention

The Sleight of the world, at whole.

Hah! How could her mind have been so bold?”

 

“Try to fight it!” her heart tells her

“Don’t let the day get caught in the burr

of heartache – so easy to feel.”

Some days she asks herself, “is this real?”

 

“But not today!” she says silently,

The sun shines down bright and violently.

The war can subside – at least for now

She sits, watching the passerby’s and clouds

wondering if this feeling can stay

while knowing she can barely keep it at bay.

 

The knowledge of that seems so much to bare

Soon the things she sits and stares at disappear

She is wracked by the impending sadness

The happiness she felt soon leaves- as if weightless.

 

Her mind smiles at it’s own success

as she stoops deeper into her depress.

Life will not be the same, she accepts

The happy feeling now at the ocean depths.

Here Comes The Boom: PAL….

PAL.

Ugh.

This is my first post about this and I have been feeling very angry and disinterested thus far. If you are not familiar PAL stands for Pregnancy After Loss.

10 weeks 5 days. 2 ultrasounds and a heartbeat of 178 this morning. I made it a point to get the exact tens place number of the heartbeat because with Adam I didn’t hear that last number and it was the last time I got to hear the “bahdum” of his heart. So today I made it a point to listen for that last number. Just in case.

Here it goes…..I’m angry, embarrassed (explain that one to me PALS moms!), guilty, resentful, sad, anxious, and distant. I felt a familiar feeling today when the ultrasound tech (Rhonda, I like her a lot) took the time to show me the baby’s toes, a 3D image of it and let me watch it wiggle around for a moment after showing me where the umbilical cord was. That feeling, though brief, like an echo in the wind, barely audible, and barely lasting long enough for me to detect it– was excitement.

As I walked out of the office this morning the thought came to my mind….I guess this is really gonna happen. And another brief emotion washed over me: dread.

I sound like a mess because I am. I have pretty well figured that anything I feel during this excruciatingly long period of time is justified. All the grief support groups and baby loss moms I have spoken to have felt everything that I am feeling, no matter how crazy the emotion. And if they haven’t, they always say, whatever you are feeling; it’s okay to feel that way. Everyone is different, no one will react the same way. So, do I feel guilty for being disinterested, angry, resentful toward this baby? Hell yes I do. I feel even more guilty for that. But where I am at in my mind right now tells me: I want Adam. I want him and not a “replacement”. (Although I always wanted two of my own, so hopefully in time I will be able to compartmentalize Adam’s pregnancy without including this new baby into that little box and vice versa.) But I will be honest.

This is not exciting. This is not news I want to share with anyone. This is not something I want to go through again. I wish I could take the lady parts out of me and put them in my husband for this one.

I don’t want to grow another baby.

(I know how insensitive this must sound to those mom’s struggling with infertility or who are unable to carry their own children. I’m sorry. Every situation and every struggle brings it’s own feelings and desires/fears. I loveddddd being pregnant with Adam and was so excited about every single thing. I only complained to friends about being pregnant once and ironically it was the day he died, before I found out. I enjoyed the experience of growing him so much. But now, pregnancy is tainted in my mind forever. So I am sorry if I have offended someone who may read this. I am just trying to figure out these mountain/valley emotions I have. I so wish you weren’t struggling in whatever way that you are. My heart and prayers go out to you.)

So, here we go down this very dark and bumpy road. There are beautiful flowers and a nice breeze along the way, but none-the-less, the road itself still kind of sucks.