I hope someone asks today. That’s all I keep telling myself as I walk into work at my new job. I hope I can get someone to ask about my family and my kids and my new husband and whether or not we plan to have “any of our own”. All of that hoping is just because I want to talk about my baby that I lost. I want to tell people about him and have them ask the obligatory questions so that I can talk about him.
It isn’t until after I failed at attempting to bring him casually into conversation one day that I realize that what I am trying to do is to “Hook-Line-and Sinker” people.
I’m introduced to new people at my new job so naturally we talk about ourselves, ask questions about others etc. So here is my hook. Hook: mention my daughter who is in first grade. A little while later, mention my son who is three. Next comes my line. Of course after that they are going to ask how many kids we have or if we plan to have any of our own. Line: I tell them innocently that I have three children. Or if they ask if we plan to have any of our own I tell them that we already have a son together. Then comes the doozy. I have unknowingly until this moment realized that I am setting these people up for a real “sinker”. Obviously they are going to ask how old our son is because I have probably already told them the ages of the other two. Sinker: He would be three months old. Is what I say and then pause, briefly, to see if they get it before telling them, he was stillborn at 32 weeks. Then a wide range of responses generally come out of these strangers mouths. Then I get to talk about him because no matter what their response is, they always ask questions.
I have been going on like this for three months now and just realized that I am leading people into this trap that I KNOW will end with me talking about my son and them probably feeling so uncomfortable. I knew that I could be manipulative at times (can’t we all?) but realizing that I was subconsciously doing this for the past few months without realizing it blows me away! It shows me just how absent I am from my own mind.
While I am now aware of this behavior I really don’t foresee it changing any time soon. Usually I would say that, “this is just where I am right now.” Because sometimes that is just what I need to accept from myself. But not this. I actually do feel guilty about doing this to people. I mean, it is where I am at right now, but none the less, I hook line and sinker people into a very uncomfortable conversation for them. I want to talk about my baby, so I manipulate the conversation so that I can. This isn’t right, and I know that. But I am so desperate to allow him to fill my every thought that I am not willing to make a change in this aspect of myself right now.