Just a couple of days ago was my 25th birthday and the first birthday since I lost my son.
I was not excited about celebrating-instead I begged my family and loved ones to ignore the day and go on with life as normal. The thought of opening presents and blowing out candles only hurt. Knowing Adam should be in my arms for the moments made me not want to have those moments if I couldn’t have him.
Not surprisingly, mostly everyone obliged to my wishes and went about life like normal. BUT waking up on my birthday was hard to do.
I woke up that morning with a song stuck in my head that I hadn’t thought of in years. It hit me and brought reality to my conscious mind….so I went back to sleep. When I woke up next I had forgotten about the song. That is until I got my coffee and a children’s book and went to the cemetery to spend some time with my baby.
When I got to the cemetery I decided to listen to the song since it felt like a sign. I you-tubed “holes in the floor of heaven” and laid in the grass next to Adam and watched the clouds go by through my tears.
The chorus goes, “cause there’s holes in the floor of Heaven, and her tears are pouring down. That’s how you know she’s watching, wishing she could be here now. An’ sometimes if you’re lonely, just remember she can see. There’s holes in the floor of Heaven and she’s watching over you and me.”
Waking up with that song stuck in my head that I haven’t thought about in so long was the best birthday present I could have gotten. I think you can understand the gist of the song from the chorus but one reoccurring theme through the verses was that the character that had died wished they could be with their loved one on certain special days.
Be still my heart!
I truly believe that me waking up with that song in my head was Adam’s way of telling me happy birthday and that he wishes he could be here for me. I have never felt more sure about a sign than that.
Waking up some mornings with the hope that my baby will send me a sign through out the day is a complicated thing to do. On one hand, I am always waiting for signs from him, but on the other when some time goes by without any signs I get discouraged. I know I might sound and/or be crazy but I just keep telling people, “that’s where I’m at.” Emotionally, I search for signs. Emotionally, I am a little crazy. Sometimes worse than others. But this is where I am. And feeling the love and comfort from my baby on my birthday was the best blessing and birthday present a Momma suffering her baby’s loss could get! So crazy or not, I will take that!!!
Here I am, sitting at the cemetery by my little boy, in the cold, letting the sun beat down on my back and letting the love warm my soul. ❤️